i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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