I puked a lego.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Randomize
