I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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