It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
i think i just lost a toe
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
