new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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