I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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