he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
