I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
