you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
