My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
...so i touched it.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
