My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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