someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
