when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize
