I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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