If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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