he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I love you.
Bad choice
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
