did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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