so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
