They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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