He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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