I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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