One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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