I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
