normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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