Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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