burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Hippo gnu deer
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
She swung at the pinata with crutches
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
