peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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