what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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