Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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