i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
