First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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