ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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