just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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