Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
