Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize