so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
