break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
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