I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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