Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
The ass gains better be worth it
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