drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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