Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
