So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
