people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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