you traded sex for a burrito?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I queefed so loud it echoed.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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