If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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