i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
