I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
