It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
