I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
