it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
