if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
