My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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