I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Who died my cat blue again?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
