I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Come on in and take your pants off
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